Chapter 9: Relationships

I have already claimed my most functioning relationship is with a toilet (see my Senior Portfolio's "reflective" piece) so there is nowhere in this post for me to make that argument. Altering it slightly, I fully feel that my second most consistent relationship over the course of the last 20 odd years was insighted by my uncle.



When I was eight, my uncle Lee babysat me for one afternoon. Lee was 19. He worked in a machine shop, and went to Community College (mostly to hit on girls and play frisbee). He had long(ish) hair, and wore very tight, very black jeans most of the time. He lived in my grandparents' basement, and he had a lot of records that I had never heard of. He knew how to play Led Zeppelin songs on guitar, and when I would ask him what he was playing, he would always say "What's wrong, little man? You don't like Zep?" in this way that was totally intimidating, but totally friendly at the same time. Lee was the coolest person I had ever met in all of my eight, worldly years. Lee had a Probe, and he liked to drive his Probe fast. It had an after-market stereo system in it that would make my ears bleed. One day, Lee took me out in that Probe, to meet some of his friends. On the way, we listened to music that he called "Metallica". When we met his friends, at least sixty percent of the population in the room were wearing shirts that said "Metallica". When he hung out at his friend's house, we listened to "Metallica", and these guys talked about what I imagined every cool person ever would want to talk about. Girls. Money. Cars. How to make cars faster. Drinking. Lifting Weights. And how songs about being burned alive were equally as cool as songs about drowning under ice. The testosterone was palpable, and I had no idea what testosterone was at that time.

When we left that afternoon, all I could talk about was how cool everyone in there was. Naturally, my uncle protested, so I decided to talk about other stuff. Girls. Money. Cars. Faster cars. Drinking (what, I wasn't sure). Lifting Weights. And most importantly, how Metallica was probably the best band in the history of music forever and ever. He let me borrow his copy of Metallica's Self-Titled albumb (more commonly referred to as "The Black Album"), and informed me that when I learned all the words to all the songs, I could borrow another album. It was perfect. Just the way it should have been.

Now, I will remind you, I was eight. This was 1997. From that moment until (roughly) 2007, Metallica was my absolute favorite band. These days, I don't really listen to them that often, and if you ask me who my favorite bands are, Metallica is likely to be off the list completely --- but the truth is, I love Metallica. They played harder, and faster than anyone else before them. They lived out every page of Hammer of the Gods every night on every tour. They have more money that I can begin to understand. Its absurd. They are, in short, metal legends, and relgiously, every three or four weeks, I cannot help but throw in an old Metallica album just for the love of thrash and marvel at how good they once were, or still are, or might be sometime. One of my friends once told me he listened to Ride the Lightning at least once a day, every day during his Sophmore year of highschool. This does not, in any way at all, seem unreasonable to me.

Now, who wants to go see Metallica with me?